It’s “2KX”, it has fewest sylables.

2009 was an eventful year for me, especially as twelve months ago I predicted virtually none of it. This time last year I was on Swansea Bay trying to kiteboard on flat tyres, with a last minute decision to visit Cardiff on the way home, a very nice city I’d be happy to return to one day, but I returned home with no plans for the rest of the year.

February brought the first snow in Manchester in the eighteen months I’d been there, dispelling the myth for sure that it only ever rains here. That said, by the next day, rain had come and washed the snow away. I was also greeted by two new house mates, both French, and both a little mad in their own way, hence I got on with them quite well. On the first weekend out together I managed to bruise, possibly fracture, my coccyx following a fall from the boot of Mike’s car, a week before a fitness test with the OTC, which also happened to be the first weekend with the OTC where we used live ammunition, and I instantly fell in love with the sight of tracers zipping across inches above the floor at several times the speed of sound before ricochetting upwards into the sky.

Super8 & Tab and Above & Beyond came to Birmingham in March celebrating the release of the AnjunaDeep album. Overjoyed by this, I bought my tickets before realising I had two exams the next morning, but just for the record, they went OK. Just.

March came with Exercise Gold Lion, our most gruelling OTC weekend ever, in which we completed MLDP-1. It was also a bank holiday weekend, meaning full 3 nights of no sleep in the freezing cold. During just one of the days we witnessed every weather known to man; warm sunshine and freezing snow less than an hour apart, with a thunderstorm in between. By day we swam through tunnels, and by night we dried off. We snuck through the darkness to discover where the enemy weren’t and made our first ever dawn attack.

However, April rewarded us with the best fun the OTC had given us (after giving me concussion from of a kiting accident on Brancaster Bay), ever. MOD-3 Enemy. Manchester and Liverpool OCdts and some TA were having their final assessment before heading off to Sandhurst, and hence needed someone to shot at, or more importantly, shoot back at them. Cue myself and five band of brothers (sister included), two M249’s (light machine guns, which we were given with no training whatsoever), six LA85-A2’s, flares and grenades, and more ammunition than you could fit in several articulated lorries. The lorries could have come in handy, I was literally pinned to the floor trying to carry the stuff on my back. Ezra managed to lose all the skin from his finger which he left in front of the case ejection port. I managed to make the same mistake except I was wearing gloves. It felt like someone was hitting my finger with a hammer at 750RPM for the next few days, but given it remained intact, I had the “Minimi” for the remainder of the week, running around like Rambo ten miles south of Hadrian’s Wall. In between the 30-round bursts, I fired off my BFA, twice, into the enemy, both times making a satisfying pop followed by a search for a small yellow rod, which I found twenty minutes later in a puddle still steaming and too hot to pick up. We also witnessed numerous artillery and mortar strikes, and best of all, got paid for the whole experience.

June saw my decision to go to Japan, so I slaved away during my exam period to put together an itinerary. My housemates refused to believe how much preparation I’d done, but I’d literally planned what platform to be on, at what station and at what time, with a different hotel for each night, for 21 days. After seeing my plan, a coursemate, Herman, decided to join in on the fun. Flight costed £450, train tickets costed £450, accommodation and international driving permit came to another £100. I’d just spent a grand on a country I hadn’t even turned up at the airport for yet.

Then came even more action from the OTC, in the form of Summer Camp. In essence it was a week of team blister building, though I still never managed to grow a single one, followed by a week of flying around Devon in helicopters before being devoured by midges on a final exercise involving a 5-hour hike in the pitch black to do a dawn attack which went horribly wrong. In the following few nights, I experienced the most peculiar thing, I’d even go as far as to say, I’ve experienced Gulf War Syndrome. Despite now being back at home, or in some cases, at a mates house, I’d frequently wake up in the middle of the night, convinced I was under attack and would start a frenzied search for my rifle. I would like to believe the mortar attacks are what caused this, but I think it was more down to the midnight pranks going on in the barracks.

And then July came. The plan was to run around Japan for twenty-one days and then make it to France in time for the Fête de Bayonne. We travelled the four main islands in a figure-of-8, basically trying to dash through every festival that was happening in the country. We watched men run through a forest while trying not to set themselves on fire, watched men pull 6-story carts through the streets of Kyoto without electrocuting themselves, visited both atomic bomb sites, rented a car for the day, with drive-by projectile vomiting, watched the Solar Eclipse, found an eight foot long penis and went back in time to watch the samurai version of the Grand National. We got overshadowed by a life-sized Gundam model and a 20 foot robotic spider, witnessed legalised street racing in Yokohama, and climbed Fuji over a pitch-black night, and climbed back down during a foggy sunrise. In other words, we never actually saw the mountain we climbed.

And then… we missed the flight home. With an expired rail pass, this meant a three day relax in Osaka before the next affordable flight, but also meaning I wouldn’t get to join my dad and sister in Bayonne for the festival which I look forward to every year.

The debt which accumulated from having to buy last minute plane tickets didn’t ruin summer though, for the OTC had more fun to offer. I was to be paid to go to Bavaria for a ten days, rock climbing, canoeing and hiking. Frankly the hiking didn’t compare, and indeed, the highest point we scaled was lower in altitude than the point we started climbing Fuji, I couldn’t help but think “Pfft, amateurs” whenever someone struggled or commented on the danger of the situation, but it was still a lot of fun.

September was the month of bad news. Back to uni. Found a place to live, and my bike got stolen on the first weekend I moved in. Also during our first weekend back “on the job”, the MOD announced that the Territorial Army was being effectively disbanded. It turned out the OTC would keep going, but we’re no longer being paid for what we do. As people dropped out to get real jobs, the numbers decreased dramatically, and I can’t help but worry for the future of Britain’s defences. Furthermore, the internet in my house was really dodgy; my new job as “MSUOTC webmaster” now felt like the worst chore ever, in more ways than one.

I joined the hiking club, and in October, we climbed Snowdon. At a quarter the height of Fuji, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed, but met an awesome group of people nonetheless. In following weeks we also went to the lake district where we created a tsunami in a cave, and then went on the fail the Yorkshire 3-Peaks in November. Remembrance Sunday was an epic failure. The American priest ranted about Muslims and then gave us 5 separate 2 minutes silences because he kept finishing his speech too early, then thinking of something to add. Despite the changing weather, I was always glad to be out of the house. The internet kept dying and so did the gas. My landlord refused to acknowledge the problem, so I hacked the router myself, thus becoming king on the internet times two. The gas I couldn’t do anything about, and eventually my whole house died of cold, and I found a new place to live.

December came and dumped awesome levels of snow, literally out of no where. I went home from my last exam of the year in sunshine, and went out to a party a few hours later sliding all over the pavement. Voluntarily. I thought I was being immature, until I looked around and realised everyone, even up into the middle-ages, was doing exactly the same. While driving my uncle around various airports trying to find one that was open, I watched a bus slide sideways down a hill. It was all very exciting. An annual Van Buuren bash in Brum, was the event for Xmas, while new years eve saw me up in my room working.

All in all it’s been a very good year. My new years resolutions normally happen around September, when I go back to uni, renew my social life and activities, and get back to work after a long summer of leisure. However, this being my final year of uni, for the first year every, I need to start thinking about the future, thus, surprise surprise, I do actually have some plans this time around.

Tomorrow I’m off skiing. And then I’m going to finish MSUOTC.co.uk v1.1, and then make my Lego robot autonomous. I then plan on completing MOD 2 and 3 and will then get straight firsts in my final exams. If my interviews go well, I’ll be going to Japan in July as an English teaching assistant. Maybe before then I’ll be able to visit my dad in Venezuela.

Dear 42

Email sent to 42 (North West) Brigade, Friday 13th November, 2009.

Dear Sir

Firstly thank you for visiting MSUOTC on Wednesday 11th November to hear our thoughts. I’m sending this email to add my own unheard thoughts for 42’s consideration.

1) What we get issued doesn’t cover our needs for field training. In many cases, the income OCdts receive from training is not only used to pay for rent and food, but also on personal equipment such as thermals, torches and supplements to the ration packs. Without being able to pay for additional equipment, our training suffers.

2) When I come home from weekends training (the few of them that still remain), I’m returning from a solid 48 hours hard work. I’m then greeted by an unemployed flatmate. Even before the pay cut, she would earn a higher hourly rate than myself from benefits alone, while future officers now go about their jobs unrewarded.

3) After having politicians already lie to us, about why we should lay our lives down in Afghanistan and Iraq, and hence quashing my life-long desire to join the forces, I’m still undecided about if a career in HM Forces is something I wish to be involved with. With the pay cut (after suffering from a, frankly, already shoddy JPAC payment system riddled with database errors and late payments), I can’t help but feel disillusioned further. If I was to take on a military career, just how many nasty surprises would I have to contend with? I know that life isn’t any easier on Civvy Street, but this is the Army, and I’ve learnt to expect better.

What we all need is some good news.

Thanks for your time reading this.

OCdt Duvigneau

MSUOTC BCoy & Website Admin

A Squaddie Poem

Afghanistan – (with apologies to Kipling) by “Peej”.

When you’re lying alone in your Afghan bivvy,
And your life it depends on some MOD civvie
When the body armour’s shared (one set between three),
And the firefight’s not like it is on TV,
Then you’ll look to your oppo, your gun and your God,
As you follow that path all Tommies have trod.

When the gimpy has jammed and you’re down to one round,
And the faith that you’d lost is suddenly found.
When the Taliban horde is close up to the fort,
And you pray that the arty don’t drop a round short.
Stick to your sergeant like a good squaddie should,
And fight them like satan or one of his brood

Your pay it won’t cover your needs or your wants,
So just stand there and take all the Taliban’s taunts
Nor generals nor civvies can do aught to amend it,
Except make sure you’re kept in a place you can’t spend it.
Three fifty an hour in your Afghani cage,
Not nearly as much as the minimum wage.

Your missus at home in a foul married quarter
With damp on the walls and a roof leaking water
Your kids miss their mate, their hero, their dad;
They’re missing the childhood that they should have had
One day it will be different, one day by and by,
As you all stand there and watch, to see the pigs fly

Just like your forebears in mud, dust and ditch
You’ll march and you’ll fight, and you’ll drink and you’ll bitch
Whether Froggy or Zulu, or Jerry, or Boer
The Brits will fight on ‘til the battle is over.
You may treat him like dirt, but nowt will unnerve him
But I wonder sometimes, if the country deserves him.

Peej 2008.

A Textbook Military Blunder

Last night I was given the following scenario, which is apparently asked to everyone as an ice-breaker during Sandhurst. I forget the details such as the commanders name, but he was a 20-something year old Lt Colonel, a testiment to how easy promotions are to get during war time, as officers drop on the front line. The year is 1944, during the invasion of Normandy, the British make an assault at a German position in an area code-named “Sword”.

The Map - This is a map of the German position, with details, as given to the commander.

The Original Orders - Due to changing circumstances, the original plan of attack became obsolete…

Feel free to have a go at coming up with a solution, I’d be interested to know what you came up with, and if you made any common mistakes. Just copy and paste the original map, and doodle all over it.

Our Solution - We came startlingly close to what really happened…

What Really Happened - …but as the story shows, in war there are no real solutions, the result’s just the same.

For those of you into this sort of thing, I recommend purchasing Company of Heroes :)

If Top Gear did Road-Biking.

I’m not sure who’s idea it was, though certainly not mine. I was staying at a friend’s, Andy, and Stu and another Andy (Joyce) were on the way over with their bikes, decided destination: The Welsh Border (and back). Since my bike was at home, and to be fair, not a road-bike, I agreed to use Andy’s dad’s bike.

Occasional Top Gear challenges involve driving from one side of a country to another, the presenters will argue about who’s car is best for the challenge, while in the background a totally inappropriate car is waiting by, this is the forfeit car which they must drive if their own car breaks down beyond repair. For this ride to Wales, I was that vehicle. The first thing I noticed was the huge saddle, it had a slight wobble about it, but still looked extremely comfortable. I’d always wondered why bike saddles are so thin and hard, and I soon learnt why. The chain was a little rusty, but the main problem was it was so slack. A tyre split at the valve as we were pumping topping it up, and the outers had very little tread left. The worst bit by far though, was the gearing, it was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Wikipedia tells me they’re called “down-tube shifters“, pulling the lever changes gear as you’d expect, quite instantaneously too, but to which one you just don’t know, as there is no clicking or grooving into place (though they did make a tremendous coughing sound), you just sort of guess. Keeping my eyes on the road, actually finding the gear levers meant slapping around on the frame, by the time I found them, it was time to switch back to the gear I’d just come from. This was providing the loose chain didn’t slip off in the first place.

Besides the coughing, the rear wheel made a tapping sound every turn, and the breaks laughed at me every time I tried to use them, on top of that I developed a grunt on every stroke. NOW I know why saddles are so thin and hard. The width of it meant it rubbed against both thighs, occasionally trapping more than just fabric, and I’m not just on about the occasional nerve (sending sharp, shooting pains to unnecessary and unfair places) either.

My hands also suffered from the ride. The handlebars had nothing more than black tape for grip, and in some areas, were bare metal, leaving no shock absorption for the hands which were having to hold on tighter just to be able to grip the bars, so now as I type I have a nice red callus stripe across each palm.

So now I’ve come to appreciate cycle design, mysteries I’ve always wondered about have been solved in a single ride, though there’s still one thing left. Why do road cyclists still insist on not using suspension? Sure it adds weight, but there is nothing fun about travelling 30-40mph down a hill, and feeling every single tiny bump, especially when the tyres are made to be rock solid, and thin enough to actually drop into every possible gap (drainage covers) at the same time.